Slow and Steady

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Thoughtful Thursday: Where do I start?

The ability to simplify means 
to eliminate the unnecessary 
so that the necessary may speak.   
~Hans Hofmann, Introduction to the Bootstrap, 1993 

I finished last week with such energy and this week I am having difficulty see which way is up. Work has been awkward, not really productive, but not really bad either. Just blah, which is weird, because I have been feeling like super rock star lately. On the workout front I had high hopes for a long run this weekend, but Friday and Saturday were really full and Sunday slipped through my grasp. We all must have been exhausted because my kids and I took about a 2 1/2 hour nap on Sunday. My saving grace has been my Monday & Wednesday Krav Maga sessions and my Tuesday run after work. Tomorrow I have a date at 6am to run with a Tri Club buddy, so hopefully the rain stays away for us. One of the biggest differences workout wise is that I ran 3 mornings last week and I think it set the tone each day. Then I took 4 days off from running and ta-da, say hello to the funk. I am trying to pull myself out of it, but it's tough. Chocolate, bread, goldfish crackers, ice cream, cookies and candy, but still no luck. The workouts have helped, but no amazing dose of endorphins has come of the efforts so far. I am looking forward to my run tomorrow, a great 8 mile trail run Saturday and fun day at the snow Sunday. Thank you Mr. President's I do so appreciate the day off on Monday in your honours.

The true sources of my funk: I am feeling suffocated by stuff. I need to declutter. I bought the current issue of O Magazine because the cover has a big ad for an article on "De-Clutter Your Life!" Have I read it yet? Nope. So keep too many documents and never get around to shredding. I have too much "stuff", too many clothes and lord knows what else. I went through my workout clothes and only got rid of 2 event non-Tech T-shirts. 

How much workout gear do you have? 
I have 5 capri's, 4 running skirts, 4 pairs of shorts, 4 pairs of tights, way too many tech-tees, 5 long sleeves, a few warm outer layers, too many socks and a perfect amount of hair things like head bands.

I volunteer way too much. It is not alot actually, but is a lot when I work full time, make time for my family, make time for me and then try to: sit on the board at my synagogue, raise money to rebuild our religious school, schedule and execute a baking workshop that generates hundreds of dollars, re-write drafts of official correspondance as an alumni of my college sorority and other miscellaneous things that come up in life. I need to de-clutter my obligations.
'Tis very certain the desire of life prolongs it.  
~Lord Byron
Finally, my cousin is dying. She is 18 and I used to say she had cancer, today I caught myself telling someone she is dying. I can't really understand it when the words come out of my mouth. I think about the time not spent with her or her family, events I have missed and even during the last 20 months of battling cancer, all the times I should have been there for her and her family. At first they gave her a couple months, then just a couple weeks. Her family has repeatedly been referred to Hospice, but they continue to battle like they are now. She's has numerous hospital stays and the current fear is that this is her last. She has a fatty tissue sarcoma with a 10 percent survival rate. She has lived 20 longer than doctors expected. The cancer in her leg grew and with chemo and radiation shrunk. She had surgery to remove it and it was supposed to take about 6 hours. It took 12. Her left leg became necrotic, they wanted to amputate. She said now and within a couple weeks regained a pulse and her leg began to heal. The stupid cancer spread to her lungs. She is a smart girl. Lucid. Physically her body is responding well and her weight is up despite being sick from so much medication and the stupid cancer has taken over her lungs and they don't work. She has been in ICU for 17 days and a ventilator breathes for her. She can communicate just fine despite the tube in her throat. How does she just have to die? I wish I had spent more time with her. Part of me thinks I was selfish, part of me thinks life gets in the way, part of me realizes she is 18 and I am 31 with a family of my own and just didn't budge time. I don't know. I just see the way my aunt and uncle look at her. I see in their eyes pain, confusion, their everlasting view of this 18 year girl as their baby. It makes me miss my family even more when I am not with them and fear every little thing that might go on in our life path. As you may surmise from my blog posts I am not excellent at coping. I either go overboard with a workout or more often go overboard with eating. I am also a crier. Sometimes I just need to let it out and for days like that I have the movie The Notebook. 

Yes I know this is not the strong Ra-Ra-Ra I am the strongest worker-outer, runner, triathlete, rockstar employee post, but it is still me. It's the raw, you see what you get, I am a total wimp sometimes and have ~gasp~flaws that are not weight, running, swimming, biking or work related. Don't tell anyone.

Why I Kick A$$: Because I am so blessed for the gifts G-d has given me with my family and I am smart enough to see it.
Thankful Three
  1. For snuggling with my sniffly children at midnight
  2. For being able to unload honestly on this blog and not have to apologize for it  
  3. For visiting hours

8 comments:

P said...

{HUGS} to you Sophia. What a tragedy for your whole family to be losing someone so young and in such a terrible way.

Christi said...

I am so sorry. Cancer sucks! My mother passed from cancer at the age of 43 so I know what you and your family are going through. Please accept my prayers!

Lisa {eatprayrun-lisa.blogspot.com} said...

Although I don't really know you or your family, know that I will certainly lift you up in prayer and send warm thoughts of peace and comfort your way.

One Crazy Penguin said...

Simply put, cancer sucks. I'm so sorry, but I'll be thinking and praying for you and your family.

2 Slow 4 Boston said...

Sorry about your cousin. I can't say I know what you're going through, I wish you the best in dealing with it. Of course, they say running is a good stress reliever. So maybe a few good workouts will help your current funk.

Laurie said...

Wow. Tough post. Your cousin sounds like a fighter; my heart is heavy thinking about her.
My thoughts are with you and your whole family as you guys go through this tough time.

Kris said...

So sorry for what you and your family are going through.

Tortuga_Runner said...

Sorry for all the typos everyone, it was a late night and very emotional. Thank you all so much for your comments. It was very therapeutic just to put all this out there. Thank you again for the support.