Friday Five: Insecurity

 I act like sh*t don't phase me, 

inside it drives me crazy, 

my insecurities could eat me alive.

~Eminem

1. Ok, so I don't act like sh*t don't phase me. I totally lack a poker face. There are some insecurities that could eat me alive. Mostly, I am insecure about my performance (get your mind out of the gutter, there are no problems with that performance). I kinda feel the need to be the best at everything. Lately I am focusing on the fact that ~I DO NOT HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING AWESOME and someone's success is it's own thing, not a missed opportunity of me to have had the lime light.
2. I have a tendency to make others great at what they do by sharing knowledge, equipping them with tools to succeed and doing so without BROADCASTING why I deserve credit for their success. It is kinda how I roll. I think I get this from my basketball coaching days and college years when I thought I was going to become a teacher. Unfortunately, I then get talkers/helpers remorse thinking I wasn't looking out for #1 enough, hello insecurity. My husband works in private sector and #1 is all that matters in that arena (mostly). Well I work in public sector and if there isn't team cohesiveness no one is successful. We must help each other so that we are all performing at high levels. GO TEAM!
3. I wish I pushed myself at sports as hard as I pushed myself in my career. Sometimes I feel like I am afraid to succeed. What would happen if I tried my hardest at every work out? This year is my year for speed and consistency. I am already doing better in both categories this year and I totally carry myself well if I miss a work out like hot sh*t because maybe I ran 1x that particular week. When really my insecurity is that people are going to see right through my wishy washy workouts and see I am not the athlete I wish I was.
4. Today (hormone alert), my husband came home. I was on the couch, drinking a glass of wine and enjoying a chocolate or two while reading Oprah Magazine and watching Biggest Loser on DVR. On the face of it I was living the relaxing dream. Then my husband got home with kids and I suggested he get a drink and sit on the couch for a while. He declined as there was "too much to do." He couldn't be idle when dinner still had to be made and dishes needed to be done. He said he'd do it and I could stay where I was, but that he just wasn't comfortable. Do you feel the insecurity coming? It is CRAZY HARD to be married to Super Hubby. He does everything at least 10x better than I do and so I constantly have the whole insecure in my wifey duties thing going. On the flip side I do my best to make it seem like it doesn't phase me that it is part of our partnership, but yeah check #1, I.DO.NOT.HAVE.A.POKER.FACE. it kills me that I feel like a slacker wife. I am just not ambitious when it comes to wifey stuff.
5. I am using the act like it doesn't phase me strategy to over come some insecurity. Like positive self talk, I think that if I tell myself that things are great, I am great, I look great and I am great at everything that I do, then even though I feel like I am lame, look fat and am not perfect at everything I do, that if I tell myself I am great and project a positive attitude about my self esteem that magically I will wake up and actually have the self esteem thing locked in. Yes I know a does of reality will have to creep in and I will have to acknowledge sometimes putting on a show is not the best way to deal with things. I just think that a healthy does of armor to shield insecurities is a great way to overcome unnecessary insecurity.

Why I Kick A$$: This morning I did not let the rain at 6AM deter me from my run.
Thankful Three

1. Kind bloggers and their kind words
2. For flipping that frown upside down and letting my insecurities motivate me to be extra awesome just so I can convince myself I am as awesome as others see me.
3. For bananas, Oreos and hot chocolate for breakfast