Thoughtful Thursday...oops on Wednesday: Mental Chaos

Chaos is the score upon which reality is written.

~Henry Miller

This post was going to be a short one liner about how my cousin died Monday and I am having a hard time remaining focused. My plan was to let you all know that I need a break and would be back next week sometime. Instead I am sitting here and all kinds of thoughts are going through my brain. It is literally mental chaos. With no rhyme or reason to the order here is a little peak inside.

• Today I went to work, I posted our quarterly quote to our glass display "Positive Energy Nets Positive Results," colored up all the management cubicles with green four leaf clovers,  semi-decorated our break room, and sent out a message to staff that our March Fun Friday colors are going to be purple or green to celebrate St. Patty's Day/Mardi Gras. Sounds peppy right? Nope, I tried to fake it, but I felt like a total zombie. I think it is important to create a positive work atmosphere even if I am teetering on a complete emotional break down and total normalcy. It's weird to be on the edge.
• I found out just before mid-night on Monday that my cousin died. I didn't sleep well/at all and had a 5:00 AM running date. I was so thankful for my running date. My feet felt light, I was finally not feeling the sinus cold/flu I have been battling for a couple weeks and the easy 3 miles flew by. I am thankful for running, running partners and the mental freedom I felt on that run.
• Krav Maga has been going well, I am learning to defend against choke holds and attacks when I have been knocked to the ground. There is a workshop day Saturday the 12th that is supposed to prepare us for testing for the yellow belt. I am currently without belt. It is kind of exciting to see results of my training and I am excited to hopefully move on to the next level.
• My half marathon training is going pretty well. I am far more consistent with my weekly runs and long runs this time around. The one thing I have not been doing is a mid week longer run. Tomorrow I'll get to put in 5 with my running partner and that will be a good mid week given I have a 10 mile trail run Saturday.
• My intention was to PR my half marathon on Sunday March 13th. With a 2 hour Krav Maga prep session, I need to get comfortable with the idea that my body may be a bit worn out on Sunday. Not to mention that a friend who recently joined the military is having a going away party that night. If I don't control the things that I can to prep for a PR, I can't reasonably expect to PR.
• I got a great fortune cookie fortune, pre-cousin's death news. It said, "Your hard work will soon pay off." I had a whole post in mind about how it could mean I am going to rock my half marathon or that the big visit with the big boss at work tomorrow was going to yield a high-five or two from a big wig, but instead all I can think about is how behind I feel in my work life because my mental focus isn't what it normally is.
• I started tracking my calories again Monday. Mel over at Tall Mom on the Run blogged recently about hitting the "Reset" button. I am too lazy to link to her or the specific post so please if you are interested, google and check the blog archive. In a nutshell, and I believe even she was referencing someone else, she talked about hitting the reset button on her weight. I am up a bit on my weight and was ready to restart. The second I even said the words I felt like I was starving. Given the things on my mind lately, I can't tell you how much I would rather be sitting on my couch binging on ice cream and other junk food to try and "feel better."
• I am fairly sure I had something else to say, but I was temporarily distracted by a funny scene on the TV show Modern Family and can't remember. Oh wait, I remember, I have a bruising right eye and while it hurt, it just starting bruising today and I couldn't remember how that happened. My guess, I probably got hit at Krav Maga class Monday night.

If I am back before Monday great, if not I plead Chaotic Mind syndrome.

Why I Kick A$$: I actually blogged today and totally had to come back and update it since apparently it is not Thursday. Geez, my brain is pudding right now. Mmm, pudding sounds good, not brain pudding, but chocolate pudding.

Thankful Three:

1. For genuine laughing while watching Modern Family with Super Hubby
2. For Jamba Juice Peanut Butter Moo'd at afternoon break
3. For my family and the time get to spend with them